Tragic Dating Experience No.6

Men are hard work.

I’ve talked about this before and I’m going to talk about it again, romance and relationships are not what they used to be 50 years ago.

Guys are textbook, they want to get their leg over, that’s what it boils down to. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t all men’s top priority and there are a fair few who do want relationships, but for most guys sex is important. I think girls should always keep this in mind, (to an extent at least), when talking to a guy, it helps you work out their intentions pretty quickly.

Sex may be important but what a guy forgets is, not all girls are going to just bend over. You’re not going to woo me over the phone pal, I need to meet you first, gauge some chemistry, you know? Some girls will just sleep with anyone, some girls aren’t fussed when they’ve had a few vodkas. I get that. That’s their choice. But some of us females are not like that, so don’t have a go at me and start acting like I’ve wasted YOUR time when I say no thanks. I don’t owe you anything just because we matched on Tinder or you bought me a drink. Grow up.

UnfortunatelyΒ this has happened to me numerous times and once it went terribly wrong, alcohol fuels stupidity after all. 3 years ago I went to Ibiza and met a cute guy who I was really in to, for confidentiality and practical purposes we shall refer to him as A. The next night, my friend and I went out with some guys from our hotel and one of them, who I shall refer to as B, was pretty into me. Now, I’ll hold my hands up, I rinsed him, but to be honest when you’re in a club that’s charging €13 a drink any girl would be a twitΒ not to. A glass that refills itself? That’s magic.

So B was buying me drinks but then A was in the club too. I was drunk, I was stupid and I kissed A in full view of B. B went nuts and started a fight with A in the smoking area. As you can imagine this gave me mixed emotions, half of me was flattered whilst the other half was bottom-line mortified. Classic Bridget Jones moment. To be fair though, as I pointed out at the time, I’d never kissed B or promised him a bonk and to think that I was automatically his just because he bought me a few drinks is ridiculous.

Ladies and gentlemen, the moral of the story is don’t expect anything from anyone and you won’t be disappointed.

The funny thing is, a few days later I found out that back in Cardiff, B had a girlfriend at home sucking eggs.

So I dropped her a message…

and yes, the photo is of me, in Ibiza, eating KFC and giving absolutely zero fucks.

Lydia.

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Tragic Dating Experience No.5

So I was talking to this guy, you know, as you do, and he said:

“I sat next to Sue off of Bake Off today on the tube.”

It was literally music to my ears.

Sue Perkins, the one and only, the queen of comedy, my how-to-be-funny idol…

So I said, in a rather abrupt fashion:

“OMG. PLEASE TELL ME YOU GOT A PHOTO.”

He said:

“No I should of done but I didn’t have my phone on me.”

I was genuinely offended.

Who doesn’t have their phone on them in the 21st century metropolis that is London?

Lord give me strength.

Tragic Dating Experience No.4

H: “I feel like some of the things Alan Sugar says about marketing I could say about marketing.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

H: “Well some of the things he says about marketing in the Apprentice is just so basic. I work in marketing and it’s a lot more complicated than that.”

Me: “But Alan Sugar pays people to do his marketing for him. They can’t go into all the ins and outs of marketing on the Apprentice because that’s not the point of the show.”

H: “Well yeah I suppose you’re right. I just don’t think Alan Sugar is a very good businessmen or actually knows that much about business.”

Me: “But he’s worth billions?”

H: “Maybe we should talk about something else…I can see this is boring you.”

Me:

Tragic Dating Experience No.3

One of the many benefits of living in London is that you get the opportunity to meet a variety of people from all walks of life.

Or so they say.

Once I got messaged by a guy who I’d ‘super liked’ on Tinder and I was thinking; ‘fuck yeah this guy’s witty and sexy and French and….sexy?’

Anyway, next thing I know he’s asking me to meet him at Mile-End station the following evening where he’ll, and I quote, “pick me up.”

What the fuck Jonathan?

I’m obviously not going to do that am I Jonathan.

Do I look like a nymphomaniac to you Jonathan?

I mean seriously Jonathan there are such things as escort services you can use.

Actually Jonathan you know what might be better?

Is if you just stopped acting like a creep πŸ™‚

Tragic Dating Experience No.2

I’ve had two men steal coleslaw off my plate in Nandos before.

It’s not cute and endearing, it’s annoying.

Like seriously, what the fuck are you doing?

Order your own fucking coleslaw you tight fisted bastard.

I LIKE COLESLAW.

P.s. Don’t you dare think about ordering ANYTHING with added pineapple.

Meat and pineapple do not mix.

That’s a fact.