Diary Entry: Finishing University.

On Monday night I got drunk on one San Miguel and a Cosmopolitan.

Oh dear.

It’s hardly surprising that my tolerance to alcohol has worsened lately. I haven’t drunk a drop in weeks. Instead, I’ve been overdosing on caffeine, sitting up till 3am writing my dissertation on the hardships prostitutes faced in early-modern society. I handed it in on Friday, after the most stressful and surreal four weeks of my life.

Writing a dissertation is a funny thing, it’s like running on a constant treadmill that you’re desperate to depart, only once you do, you’re not entirely content with the result. Anyone who says they are one-hundred percent happy with their dissertation, (snooty bastards), is lying. There’s always something you’re going to pick at. With me it was my bibliography.

After my final exam, that was it and I’d finished my degree. I have to say I felt totally lost. What the hell am I going to do now? Then it dawned on me; “I’ve hit a new low, I’m not a student anymore, I’m a twenty-something year old with fucking responsibilities. Shit.” I then began to have horrifying visions of crummy office jobs with bad air conditioning, bad coffee, bad baby photos and bad bosses that are reminiscent of Donald Trump.

Oh, that reminds me: Clinton vs. Trump, what the fuck America?

Anyway, fortunately I’ve got a place at Kings College London to do an MA in Early Modern History. However, unfortunately the historian I want to work with for my dissertation is on sabbatical. So, that means a gap year, which will probably be filled with, you guessed it, a crummy office job.

Think positive thoughts Lydia. It can only get better.

P.s. Haven’t you heard? Azealia Banks has joined the evil Cyborgs.

~Beware of the Trumpists~

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Tragic Dating Experience No.5

So I was talking to this guy, you know, as you do, and he said:

“I sat next to Sue off of Bake Off today on the tube.”

It was literally music to my ears.

Sue Perkins, the one and only, the queen of comedy, my how-to-be-funny idol…

So I said, in a rather abrupt fashion:

“OMG. PLEASE TELL ME YOU GOT A PHOTO.”

He said:

“No I should of done but I didn’t have my phone on me.”

I was genuinely offended.

Who doesn’t have their phone on them in the 21st century metropolis that is London?

Lord give me strength.

So Kim Kardashian Posted Another Nude…

Yep, that’s right ladies and gentlemen, ANOTHER NUDE.

Now, usually I wouldn’t pass an opinion on the Kardashians on my blog. I don’t like them, and unfortunately they’re pure representations of everything that’s wrong with the world. Frankly, I would rather peel a whole batch of  rotten eggs with just my mouth, and risk choking, than watch ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians.’ I mean, what a load of horse shit.

Anyway, yesterday was international women’s day and let’s not talk about how I felt about that. The whole day was pretty much dominated by Kim’s blacked out tits and foofoo on social media.

Oh, and some celebrities had something to say about it too.

Chloe Grace Mortez vs Kim Kardashian:

Round 1 of 1

Ding ding…

You know, sometimes I really wish people could just be NICE to each other, is that so much to ask? But, I suppose, if that was the case, I wouldn’t have anything to write about, damn it.

Chloe then went on to say that ‘slut shaming’ is not something she would do. More or less giving the impression it was her God given duty to capitalise on all the ‘bad’ female role models out there and put them straight…

*Rolls eyes*

I never thought I’d ever do this but I’m actually going to stick up for Kim Kardashian, sort of, don’t get too excited…

Ok so yes Kim Kardashian posted a nude, wow, amazing, blimey, the world really is changing (not). And yes, I agree with Chloe Mortez that Kim Kardashian is a bad role model for women. But to a certain extent that’s down to personal opinion. The reason feminism has a hard time of getting anywhere is because women, like Chloe Mortez, and to a certain extent myself, criticise Kim Kardashian for her rather, let’s say, promiscuous behaviour. (She did capitalise on that sex tape, hard cold cash is what she likes, why else would you marry Kanye West? Totally bizarre bloke.)

At the end of the day does Kim Kardashian care what people think of her? Well yes she does, other wise she would be such a social media whore. But, I don’t think she cares if people like Chloe Mortez show her up when she has millions of followers telling her how bloody wonderful she is every day. That’s a subject that is highly debatable, of course, but the fact remains that people do actually worship her and her rather amazing, if not implanted, arse.

And why should Kim care? At the end of the day she can do whatever the hell she likes and good for her. I’d like to see Chloe Mortez resist the temptation of taking a sexy nude with that fake but beautiful body, sex-tape money, leisurely free time and cult following. I mean do you even parent your children Kim or is it a Puerto Rican nanny instead? I’ve always wanted to know…

Regardless of whether you think Kim Kardashian is a good role model or not, she still exists and people still like her. Don’t shame her just because she makes a living out of looking good. I mean yes, I’ve made several digs about her throughout this blog post, and yes I openly admit I don’t like her, but it’s all for comical effect. In reality, I don’t take it upon myself to warn young girls of the dangers of admiring Kim Kardashian. Personally, I would never consider her to be a role model, but if you do then that’s great, I want to punch you in the face, but it’s your choice. I don’t think people like Chloe Mortez should be going around telling other celebrities how to live their life or how to make their money.

All women should accept other women’s choices, regardless of whether they would do it themselves or not. That’s a fact. That’s true feminism. I don’t see men complaining about other men’s choices nearly half as much as I see women criticising other women. Hence why feminism is a load of crap, if you want gender equality, look at how much women bad mouth other women, it’s fucking terrible. (Have I ever told you how two faced women are literally the bane of my fucking existence?)

The human race is a very critical and condescending species. People moan constantly about what they do have, what they don’t have, and people criticise them for moaning and living their lives in a certain way.

What do you actually gain out of criticising someone else? Absolutely nothing…so why do it? I know that there are always exceptions to this, I criticise people a lot more than I should, (especially Donald Trump and the Kardashians). But as you become aware of it, the less likely you are to do it.

Instead, take a more subtle approach, like Bette Midler:

What an absolute corker…10/10. 

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Tragic Dating Experience No.4

H: “I feel like some of the things Alan Sugar says about marketing I could say about marketing.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

H: “Well some of the things he says about marketing in the Apprentice is just so basic. I work in marketing and it’s a lot more complicated than that.”

Me: “But Alan Sugar pays people to do his marketing for him. They can’t go into all the ins and outs of marketing on the Apprentice because that’s not the point of the show.”

H: “Well yeah I suppose you’re right. I just don’t think Alan Sugar is a very good businessmen or actually knows that much about business.”

Me: “But he’s worth billions?”

H: “Maybe we should talk about something else…I can see this is boring you.”

Me:

Tragic Dating Experience No.3

One of the many benefits of living in London is that you get the opportunity to meet a variety of people from all walks of life.

Or so they say.

Once I got messaged by a guy who I’d ‘super liked’ on Tinder and I was thinking; ‘fuck yeah this guy’s witty and sexy and French and….sexy?’

Anyway, next thing I know he’s asking me to meet him at Mile-End station the following evening where he’ll, and I quote, “pick me up.”

What the fuck Jonathan?

I’m obviously not going to do that am I Jonathan.

Do I look like a nymphomaniac to you Jonathan?

I mean seriously Jonathan there are such things as escort services you can use.

Actually Jonathan you know what might be better?

Is if you just stopped acting like a creep 🙂

Tragic Dating Experience No.2

I’ve had two men steal coleslaw off my plate in Nandos before.

It’s not cute and endearing, it’s annoying.

Like seriously, what the fuck are you doing?

Order your own fucking coleslaw you tight fisted bastard.

I LIKE COLESLAW.

P.s. Don’t you dare think about ordering ANYTHING with added pineapple.

Meat and pineapple do not mix.

That’s a fact.